Life Lessons From an 11-year Old
Before I fill you in on what I learned one night while tucking my 11-year old son to bed, I want to talk to you about the Five Love Languages (Dr. Gary Chapman wrote the book, available at your fave bookstore).
Maybe you know your love language(s) already? Maybe you’ve hounded your partner to do the free quiz to find out theirs. Maybe you’re like me and you love to be snuggled (read: my off-the-chart love language is physical touch)...it’s also the way I love to give love - I’ve often been told that I give the best hugs!
Coming in for a close second for me is “words of affirmation” - I’m not gonna lie - I love to be reminded of how much I matter, how my contributions make a difference and generally just how much you love me. *Also, this has shifted for me a lot since I began to intentionally practice giving myself love via my top two love languages. (I’ll share more about this in a future post. You’ll want to read this - it’s been such a game changer for me and my relationships.)
So as you’ve either discovered or will discover, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five love languages - basically we each receive love and give love in ways that feel best for us and knowing the love languages of you and your loved ones can help you cultivate deeper connections. Here they are, in no particular order: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gifts. If you’re yearning to know more, I recommend checking out the book and the free quiz on the site. Link below.
Now, let’s go back to that night I was putting my boys to bed…first, a little preamble.
When my boys were young and needed my help to fall asleep, I rocked them, sung to them, listened to their cries when I put them down or walked out of the room and swiftly went to scoop them up again as it pained me to hear them cry - there was a part of me wondering if I would ever survive these early years of bedtime. I’m happy to report that I did. My boys eventually learned how to fall asleep without my help and I have to admit to my delight, even at 11 and 9 years old, they still enjoy being tucked in each night.
It was a night like any other, I tend to tuck my youngest in first - I crawl into bed with him and we have little chats about our day - on this particular night I decided to ask my son how he liked to be loved by me. “When do you feel most loved by me?, I asked.” I gave him a run down of the five love languages and he very clearly said: “I like when you play with me (love language: quality time)…I like when you snuggle me (physical touch) too, but not as much as you like it.” We had a quick laugh about that and how well he knew his mom : )
To my surprise, my older son - laying in his top bunk - wanted to share his too - he’s usually not much of a talker at bed time, but I think he enjoys eavesdropping on my convos with his brother. And on this night, he wanted to add his opinion.
So, I asked him. Fully expecting him to pick one or two of the five options. But no, he had a very different answer. He said, very matter of factly, “Mom, the best way you can love me is to tell me the truth.” I took a moment to take in what he was saying. To meet my lack of immediate response, he decided to add clarification: “Like, if I’m not good at something, I want you to tell me. I don’t want you to lie to me and tell me I’m good.” Wow, what?!
He said, “Yeah, Mom, I want to know the truth. That’s how you can love me best.”
Mindblown.
And from that moment on there were no longer five love languages in our household, but six: the sixth being: “telling the truth” (I actually think there’s one more: dumplings. You can show me love through feeding me dumplings. I accept graciously and have the elastic waisted pants to support this.)
What my son said to me made me think about how often we hide the truth from the people we care about, for fear of hurting them or risking rejection, ridicule or conflict. And it made me ponder:
How could our connections be richer if we were more honest?
How could our honest expression give ourselves and our loved ones permission to be more authentic and human?
How would it feel to be more fully expressed?
How would my loved ones feel if they knew I welcomed their honesty, even if it was hard to hear sometimes?
What might open up for me and my relationships if I’m willing to practice more truth telling?
Perhaps you want to ponder these things, too.
Of course there are nuances here. Bringing honesty with kindness and care is important. As is, discerning when it is or isn’t necessary to share the truth. All of these juicy topics are for another day. But I have to agree that my son is right - telling the truth is a love language, too.
So, I want to thank my sweet boy.
I want to tell him that it’s an honour to learn from him.
And I want to tell him that I’m going to practice telling the truth more, even when it’s hard and uncomfortable.
I hope our bedtime chats have added something to your life and help you love yourself and your loved ones better. I’ve included these journal prompts for you to keep exploring. Enjoy. And if you want to share your truth, I’d love to hear from you.
When has hiding the truth disconnected you from someone you care about?
Who could you be more honest with in your life?
What are you afraid to be more honest about? What are you afraid might happen?
How could you be more honest in your connections today?
In what ways could you be more honest with yourself?
With love,
Georgianna
Click here to take the free quiz to discover your love languages.